What I Learned on Summer Vacation: An Essay by Ryan

When I was a youngster, I remember vividly the writing prompts given to me on the first day of school.  What did you do on summer vacation?  When putting together our Summer Preview Episode, I think I began to have some grade school flashbacks.  It’s not quite summer, and it’s sure not fall-but I thought I’d share with you what we all will learn from this year’s crop of summer movies.

The first thing we will learn is not to go on vacation at all-they rarely work out well.  I suppose if the plot of a movie centered around a nice, relaxing vacation; it may not do too well at the box office.  That fact not withstanding, if you knew nothing of vacations, this years summer movies would have you believe they are all filled with rape and (un)death.  Milo Ventimiglia heads up to the country to work on a screenplay, and the next thing you know-some Nosferatu is giving him the Kiss of the Damned.  Black Rock might sound like an excellent place to take a vacation.  I’m sure that place would be filled with scenic views, hiking trails and perhaps some rock climbing.  Guess what, it’s also filled with rapists.  If you visit a more inhabited area, you’re still not out of the clear.  It is an ABSOLUTE certainty that either you, someone you love, or a complete stranger-that-isn’t-you-and-you-certainly-don’t-love will end up dead.  Or at least missing.  Not sure what happens to Joel Edgerton’s buddy in Wish You Were Here but perhaps the marauding couple from Sightseers knows something.

PS. Dave and I will be giving our top 5 Vacations Gone Wrong movies next week.  Send us yours to moviesonup@gmail.com

  Speaking of marauders You’re Next-they’re coming to get you.  I guess they’re coming in animal masks, too.  Not quite sure why they are coming, but it’s most certainly not laughing matter for Brodus Clay or anyone else in No One Lives.  While I haven’t seen any animal-masked hoodlums chasing after Ashley Green in Random (formerly Satanic), at least I think I can rest easy with a guess as to the motive of the crooks.  If somehow you are lucky enough to not be targeted by a group of killer thugs, do not take a page from Lena Headley and Ethan Hawke’s playbook in The Purge.  Leave the target of the horde outside your home and you just may live to see next year’s summer movies.

On a happy note, it does seem to be a good summer to be a youth interested in coming of age.  I guess that’s what youths do.  Liam James gets some help doing just that in The Way, Way Back. Logan Lerman comes of age in Stuck In Love, while the fellas from Kings of Summer look for a little DIY coming of age.  Maybe with a little help from listener Tyler.  Feel free to make your coming of age joke with Aubrey Plaza’s To Do List.  Perhaps a less physical version of teen love is on display between Shailene Woodley and Miles Teller in The Spectacular Now.

You could make an argument that this will be our last summer movies season as a species.  The apocalypse is coming-and it’s going to be hilarious.  James Franco and Seth Rogan say This is the End with, seemingly, all of their besties.  Pictured above.  While Rogan throws his rapture party, pod-fave Anna Kendrick attends Rapture-Palooza with Craig Robinson.  PS-If you see Craig Robinson this summer, run the other way.  He is the harbinger of the end times.  While the look of the zombies in Brad Pitt’s World War Z may look laughable, I suspect there may not be too many smiles for that one.  Good news though, we may not all die when the world ends.  We may get to live in a garbage dump, get radiation poisoning, and try to reach Elysium with Matt Damon.  If we’re really lucky we’ll be able to make it to whatever foreign land breeds the type of accent utilized by Will Smith in After Earth.  If I’ve got to go, I think I’d like experience the end of the world with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost at The World’s End.

There it is.  This is going to be your last summer, so do something fun.  Check off something from your To Do List.  Just don’t go on vacation-cuz you’ll end up dead.  Avoid packs of weapon-toting maniacs-or you’ll end  up dead.  It sounds like we’re going to have to work pretty hard just to make it to the pending apocalypse.

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